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Emotional Face Slapping update

okay…spewing was prolly wrong. And it didnt help. i was still crying and feeling abused. i called Michael and told him the tale of woe and he agreed that i had been horribly treated and so now it was time to put my big girl panties on and take care of myself. He was right.

i texted K and said…not for nuthin, but i am a slut. i have fucked a loooot of people. i regret none of them aside from the guy that i blew when i was 15 and stuck at a party at 2 am and he said he would drive me home if i blew him…so i did.  That was a low point in the self esteem department.

i regret being with you two. Congratulations on being the first people to make me feel at 39 that suddenly im 15 and have a face full of some guys come. Way to go K.

He called me before i could stop touching the send button on my phone.

i cant quote the conversation, it was long and only interesting to me anyway. He told me he fought with her all that day…Sunday and that he reread what he had IMd me and that it was not accurate and that yes, c hated me but that was on her and that he would remain my friend despite her strong objections and that she has some issues that make her a cold heartless feelingless….ok…he didnt say that. But im not quoting him.Point being that we can all be in the same place at the same time and i dont need to feel uncomfortable…and i told him…i dont feel uncomfortable. i feel as though c is a bitch and that is totally her problem.

He did say some things that mattered. He said that i was the ideal toy and that anyone would be lucky to own me and that i did nothing wrong in our time together and that this is c’s issue. That we are friends at the core and that we always would be. i believe him and i know full well that he has let this issue go with c for internal reasons that have everything to do with the dynamic that they have running and that this affects me not in the least. i told him that i would not be avoiding the demos and the dungeon….this is my life now and whether i run into c really means squat to me. i dont suffer fools or mean people so i wont be small talking with her but i would sooner go home than to see K and not come for my accustomed hug. Friends hug. Friends talk about the weather and eat snacks…and we are friends. i did mention that its a shame he lost out on all my new anal sex tricks…and he agreed. As he should have. But i have closure to this ugly tiny chapter of my week. c sucks and K is still someone to say hi to and hug at the dungeon. i know he watches me play.

Here is what i think on this matter and then it is closed forever.

The world is full of emotional cripples. i had things happen to me as a child. i had things happen to me as an adult. Obstacles to overcome. Hinderances to delay me that i had to negociate. i have had pain and i have had intense joy. i feel no guilt for what i have done and what has been done to me.  i cleaned up the psychological mess my father created inside me years ago. i lived through the worst breakup of my short life. i have come out on the other side. Not everyone is strong enough to be accountable for their own shit. i am one of the lucky ones.

i own myself…the good and the bad and the ugly. i am all mine. And really at the end of the day, who cant be happy with that??

Emotional Face Slapping

Ever been slapped in the face emotionally? i seem to be collecting emotional slaps to the cheek and jawline left and right these days….and its all been from submissive women. Oh wait…not a submissive woman…no…they are sweet and innocent and incapable of being cruel or inhumane…they are angelic creatures who barely bring themselves to submit to savage anal rape or drinking Master’s piss directly from the source…after all, they are only doing as they were trained. None of these thoughts sprung into their heads on their own…no…not the submissive woman.

Lets talk about this past Sunday for a moment…but to do that i must backtrack to Saturday when i contacted the Dom of one of my couples friends online to catch up…i IMd him and asked him a question, and he came back with a hurried….i gotta run, c’s cat, who is 19 yrs old, is dying …i need to go. i of course, worried but knew that at least he was rushing off to be at her side. i have continued to think of them as friends…despite the fact that neither of them knows how to treat a toy and i long since got over the fact that they were both incredibly immature in regards to my treatment when we were all playing …after all….not everyone wants a third. Bearing in mind the fact that we had all…whats the term im looking for…FUCKED…i assumed that when we saw eachother on Sunday at a community event, that we were still on speaking terms.

Great demo on piercing, which i have recently started playing with. i was there with my Dom/friend, Michael and we had just done some piercing that morning. i was still quite sore and once we started the demo i was flying again…it was very informative and by the way…chock full of lesbians. i verbally sparred with K, the Master in question here…we had always had a kind of fun laid back relationship and especially once we stopped playing and i finished pouting over being used for sex and then rudely discarded…aside from the fact that he doesnt own a slave so much as he Tops a closet Domme…but far beit from me to be catty…oops pardon the pun.

So i see c there and i came to talk to her. She was sitting on a bench and i knelt in front of her to talk quietly. i just wanted to make some eye contact and gently send her my condolensces and then go back to the day we were all having. She seemed busy and left the immediate area almost as soon as i came up on her, and i thought that was odd but again…i understood. This was her cat. It had been her cat every day for 19 years and less than 24 hours ago she had to put it to sleep. i simply wanted to let her know that i understand that kind of loss and that one friend to another i was sorry that she was going through it. She probably didnt want to cry in front of everyone. i wouldnt even have to talk to her about it at the demo except she ignored the text i sent her when K told me that Koko had actually been put down.

God im daft…why didnt i see that she was pissed?

So today i get home from work and im online and there he is…so i IM him and we are talking and i said…hey i noticed c didnt really want to talk to me at the demo and i understood…”she probably didnt want to cry in front of anyone….let her know that im here if she wants to talk.”

K says..”yah, well she was pissed that I told you about the cat.”

“What??”

“Well, she is proud..she doesnt like anyone to see her in a moment of weakness and ya know we havent known you all that long so it was kinda personal. I shouldnt have told you.”

i was quiet a second and then the hand print showed up on my left cheek…she emotionally bitchslapped me via K and i could feel the imprint of each finger on my cheek.

“Well, let your slave know that im sorry if i tried to reach out, one human being to another in a time of loss and sadness. Thank you for this bit of information. It saves me some time and embarrassment in public when i try to speak to her….try to chat at the dungeon…attempt to sincerely be her friend…or even a friendly acquaintance. i forgot that since i have literally ripped my frenulum making her come so many times that she had to shove me out of her wet cunt and roll up in the fetal position and whimper, that really i should just shut up and go lay down by my dish….oops, im chock full of pet references today.”

(Did i mention that the first time i went down on her she faked an orgasm. i just paused long enough after all the fake moans subsided to look at her over her hairless mound and raise an eyebrow at her without K seeing it, continued to lick her clit until she actually came and when she did…she grinned at me and winked.)

i finished my little rant and told him i would be civil because its a small world, so K wouldnt worry that we cant be friends…and then went invisible but not before he added..

“You werent being a fool…you were doing the right thing….i was shocked too. i guess she is just proud.”

i restrained myself from responding to the last statement and now as the red hot fingers of her right hand fade from my left cheek and i type this all out…im thinking what in the fuck is wrong with me…why do i continue to think that women can be friends with me?? Or that i can have an honest friendship with one where she doesnt eventually just fucking rip my heart out and stomp it in the dirt?

i met Denise when i was 25. i had been with a few girls and knew that i was definitely a lesbian and that i definitely wanted to date the girl of my dreams and have a successful relationship. i had, in my quest for aforementioned relationship, i had come to the conclusion that perhaps all lesbians were crazy to a certain extent…like damaged somehow…because i had dated some girls and they were crazy. So imagine my surprise when i met and fell in love with a perfectly sane and well adjusted dyke who was out to her family and the world and was a social worker and a democrat and actually good in bed and had no victimized sexual hang ups and we were in the same place at the same time emotionally and blahblahblah…imagine my good fortune.

2 months later we were living togther and 3 years later we were getting married. 2 years after that we were having a baby. 19 months later i was standing in the living room at 130 am holding a 10 month old baby, watching the taillights of my truck flash red through the rainstreaked window as she drove off to her new girlfriends house after telling me that she never meant to hurt me but that she just couldnt do “it” anymore.

 

Sorry, i sorta lost control of yet another post. The other bad treatment can wait for another day when i give a rats ass.

Whew…good thing im not bitter or anything.

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i left that day and drove home, trying to keep my eyes open and not succeeding very well. i swerved and nearly hit 2 cars while i snoozed briefly behind the wheel. We had no time to rest this time as i had to get to work. i finally got scared awake by the last near miss and not for the first time i thought of what things might be like if i lived closer. im always trying to figure a way to make my playing more convenient. i dont know how i would ever justify moving so far from the dungeon i play in at home. Its becoming a home of sorts. But that little room that i cry in every so often is a definite pull for me as well.

i was so late…again. i left on time but there was local construction and he called me mid-swear and had to calm me from the start. i couldnt get to the interstate due to the construction and had to go way out of my way just to get out of my complex. He calmed me first but soon just stated matter of factly that this was my problem to solve and that i knew what time i needed to be up there…and would pay for it if i was late.

The route i drive was clear and traffic was not bad so i had hope of being on time until i took the wrong ramp and ended up going in the opposite direction. i knew that i was going to be a hard 10 minutes late and i was just calculating how much that would hurt when he called again.

“i took the wrong fukkin exit and now im like 2 exits away and im going to be late and its not my fault and i have to get into lcs house before i come over and i dont know what to do…..”

“Calm yourself, babygirl…just relax. i wont be there for 10 minutes you have time. Just be safe…dont speed.” His voice calmed me instantly. i believed every word. im not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. When someone speaks to me i believe exactly what they say until proven to be unreliable. This gets me in all sorts of troubles. Heres how new to this i am…i actually believed that he was not going to punish me because he understood that i got lost. Poor poor persephone. Shes such a believing soul.

i got to the house and cleaned up and ran thru the woods to the dungeon door. i could see his truck in the driveway and kept my head down and tried to calm myself a bit so i wouldnt break and look at him or touch or speak without permission. Its hard for me to remember the rules with JB, as most of my partners are against any sort of training if there is no commitment. i like the rules we have in this case…gives me something to concentrate on when im loopy. He spoke only when needed and we entered the room.

He cornered me again per usual and had me get ready for the cuffs. He was talking to lc and working her up for today. i was just waiting for his hands on my body. When he cuffs me i lean into him without asking and try to accidentally touch him all the time…if his hand is near mine i reach my pinkie out to lean against his hand…the heat moves through me like a shot. So far he allows it…i like to feel my back and ass against him. i get wet when he is working on my cuffs and i can sneak peeks at his face.

Again, my timeline is quite off comparatively…i like to keep my memories jumbled. i keep them in order of intensity not necessarily chronologically. i have to review lcs blog to get the timing right….and so i defer to her memory of things. Until such a time as she can no longer speak…then i remember what happened.

i was up on the cross and lc was on the futon in front of me. JB was trying to find batteries for the zapper and i was chuckling to myself. The firt time he put it on my breast i jumped. My eyes were so wide and i looked directly at him in surprise….we both looked like kids at Christmas. He was so pleased that the zapper hurt me and i was pleased to know that it hurt but not as badly as i thought it was going to. Its not so much the pain of the shock…but the smoke and the smell of burning flesh. When i told him that he just chuckled and so did i. He then got me with a 9 volt battery. i had mentioned that i was afraid to shock myself. He put it on my tongue and once i determined that it was not bad pain…i started chasing his hand to do it more. lc was moaning and trying to beg us to stop. i think she misses a lot without her glasses. i think that ill suggest that when she needs to watch she have her glasses on.

He tortured me for a long while in many ways….the crop was the worst. i misunderstood lc. She wanted us to stop-but i thought it was misguided concern again. What it really was was a huge bruise on my left breast…that has a week later turned into quite the colorful reminder of his touch. i had that damn posture collar on and there was no way for me to see my own breasts. i hate that thing. i feel like i have a scoliosis brace on…sooo not sexy.

The pony was not bad…but the giant vice that was pulling my nipples cleanly off of my tits and the fact that my arms were cuffed behind my back was just not something i could handle for long. i may never live it down but i asked to be taken down. Next time that thing will not beat me. i now have a new goal.

Once he had me down and watching, he took lc and placed her on his lap with her legs spread. i could see her wet pink cunt and suddenly things were not as funny as they were a few minutes earlier. When he finally signalled me over i went to my knees and crawled to them. i waited for permission to touch and he signalled me to start.

Her clit was waiting for me and she jumped at first touch and then settled in. i was just exploring my new playground…no pressure….going slowly, familiarizing myself to my new home. She was so sweet and i drank her in and moaned. i could hear JB whispering in her ear and i could tell she wasnt relaxing yet. By the time he had her down on the futon alone, i had more room to work and she had kind of resigned herself to the experience.

i was fingering her and licking her clit when i realized that i was going to be able to fist her. We hadnt discussed it farther than to say that JB was too big for her and that she couldnt take his fist. i had been meaning to watch and see if i could help but every time he is fisting her he is fisting me too and i dont have enough self control to ask him to stop touching me. im way too slutty to be educational sometimes. its a weakness of mine.

i worked my way inside lc and tried to communicate with her as much as is necessary without ruining her high. i needed her to be in her headspace to take what i was about to do. Once i slid completely inside her and began to gently move myself deeper and deeper inside, JB got the camera and started taking more pictures. All in all there were no issues with the scene.

i love to fist a woman. The power that comes from taking something so completely that there is no way she is thinking of other things….”i have someones arm inside my wet slutty cunt” and reviewing shopping lists are not competing thoughts at this time in a scene. She came around my fist a few times but the next time im allowed to approach her i will be better able to read her body and by then ill know what button to push and when. lc is a greedy cunt and a willing submissive….she likes the fact that shes unexpectedly kinky and secretly so dirty. shell like herself even more when she realizes that sex with a girl doesnt make a person change….it just makes a person come. JB and i discuss her personality all the time. i like to corrupt a person but for some reason i want her intact. i would sooner cut off my finger than to change a hair on her beautiful head.

i like that JB and i have a project…but it interrupts my deference to him and i dont like to think that he and i are on the same level in any way. i prefer to be at his feet. For just that time he is serious and frightening. i dont like to mix the laughter with the fear. Reminds me that he is not really going to hurt me at all. i prefer to fight internally with myself as to whether im really in danger. The force of will it takes to obey when i know im going to be hurt…the internal struggle against running away.

When JB took pictures of us i was happy to see my purple gloves looked hot against the flushed pink of her skin. We had a good session.

The funniest thing happened a few days later when i came back to town for lc’s 4th of July party at her familys home. i had called JB and left a vm begging him to come to the party if only for a minute. When he called her back and told her he was dropping by i got so excited.

lc and i realized that we were going to have to introduce me to him in front of her husband and her parents. By the time JB got there we were a giggling mass of adolescent girltalking cackling….when the two of us get together in a non sexual way we are always laughing. Just as when im with JB or talking to him out of the context of play, we laugh and act like brother and sister….that is one of the reasons i know that this combination of people is a good one….when its not about play, its about a family of sorts. As a long time lesbian, i am intimately acquainted with creating a family of choice as opposed to a persons family of origin. JB and lc are in my family of choice now. Trapped.

So just as we decided what we were going to say and we were about to leave the screen porch, she stopped dead in her tracks and whispered….”there he is”…i ran into her back and looked over her shoulder to find him coming up- i could finally look right at him. i couldnt stop watching him.

He came up to us and we were still giggling and bumping into eachother as he started talking….we straightened up and lc spoke up and introduced me to him. He looked directly at me as i smiled at him and he greeted me. i watched his facial expression change…as he repeated my name and got it wrong. i started laughing and so did lc….the rest of the time he was there he kept calling me this other name.

They ended up leaving together to collect some ladders for a job they are doing….he is her boss so it made sense that he would swing by and get into the shop. But my heart sank and i stood outside in front with lc’s dog watching the road…we both waited there for lc to return. There was just no way for me to go too…no story that would work, so i had to stay and wait and think.

When they returned, he had an iced coffee with him and asked for sugar…i took him in the kitchen and tried to find the sugar. As we adjusted his drink, our fingers and bodies were touching. He would whisper comments in my ear and as everyone else talked and played outside, no one noticed that all three of us were no longer presently involved in the party. We were dancing among people who were oblivious to the connection we all share.

young turks….part 2

B was sweet. So responsive and willing to be hurt. i used the leather paddle with slut carved in it and the word popped up on her ass just as it does on mine…there were so many things i used on her that i loved myself and i liked my view of the scene. There was much laughter as the Doms watched my face as i played. i guess i was cringing and once M had to tell me to keep my eyes open. It was hard not to ask her if she was ok…she was definitely ok…but i am just not used to being the cause of that wiggle.

i wanted to start back up with the ice and went to her ass to get my cube back….

“Dearheart…where is my ice cube?” i asked as i probed her.

“It melted.”

“Wait, are you saying that you lost my icecube?? I asked you to hold this for me and now i cant find it…” i continued to probe.

“im sorry, ” she cried. “it melted.”

“Did i give you permission to allow that icecube to melt?”

i paddled her repeatedly along with every syllable i spoke.

Crying and writhing, she finally cried out, “im so sorry Mistress, if i could i would change the laws of physics for youuuuu!!!”

i laughed and soothed her red bottom with my hands and fingernails.

“Good girl”

i stayed with her until she was ready to stand and checked out my work…M was impressed. i was too.

We were all out in the hallway later for some reason. Talking and shooting the shit. M took the handcuffs he had brought to use on B during my scene with her and when i looked longingly at them, he applied them to me. Now my hands were behind my back and K pressed me against him as we all continued to talk to others. i was in exactly the place i wanted to be….facing M and pressed all up against K.

“Hold my cup, dear”. And i had his empty coffee cup in my hands as we rocked absently as everyone conversed around us. Later i asked him if he wanted a drink and he said he would like a bit more coffee and placed his crushed cup between my breasts in my top. i left the group to get some coffee and  someone asked me how i planned to do that exactly…i just shrugged and stated…he wants coffee..ill have to figure it out now wont i?

i got to the kitchen and a sub helped me pour coffee into a new cup and place it between my breasts again. it wasnt hot at first but by the time i got halfway thru the dungeon i was really yelping….K ran up and snatched the offending cup and lectured me all the way back to the group about safety and how i need to be careful. i repeatedly said that it wasnt that bad and that i was fine and that i needed to get him his drink. i dont think he believed me. i ended up next to S and somehow she started spanking me as R held my head on his shoulder. We would pause only when people would pass in the hall as we decided to poke everyone walking by….it sounded alot like this…smack!..ahhh…pokepokepoke…hahaha…smack…ahh…pokepokepoke. Eventually someone suggested that it might be time to really start hitting me. So we moved it all into a room and i found myself face down over a medical table, and i remember the gleam of a highly polished metal paddle with holes in it coming around. S is always threatening to hurt me and i am constantly telling her that the last time she tried i fell asleep on the chain web because she gave me all thud and i looooved it so much i passed out…i was told later that toward the end she was backing up and basically running at me with the flogger before swinging it…and still…nary a sound out of me except, “mmmmmm”. This time she was armed and dangerous and i broke stance several times until she finally pressed me up on the table and now i was genuinely stuck as my hands were still handcuffed behind my back. By the time i was on the table i was crying a bit but i dont think she or the other 7 or 8 people that had now gathered noticed. There were paddles and toys from everyone involved and i was in heaven.

Met the best brat ever that nite and i begged him to come to my scene to say bratty things to me as i was being beaten. Which he did. It was his genius idea to add everyone in the rooms ages together to determine how many times i would be struck…which was funny in that everyone was taking turns hitting me as this was being determined….i can not add apparently…..people were trying to help….”what is 129 plus 45″…..and i would repeat it and then forget the first number or add wrong and have to start over….as people were passing thru to get to another area…the brat would ask them their ages and i was just screaming….”not fair!!!”….it was the most chaotic and funny scene ive ever been in…i was laughing even tho i was just being pummeled to a pulp. Finally i had to have the cuffs removed and the torture continued for more than likely at least an hour. My ass was literally glowing in the dark when S said i was cooked. im still not sure if we ever determined the correct number i was supposed to get….moot point anyway as no one was counting the strikes i got. We all continued various conversations as i cleaned off the table on our way away from the scene and went out to smoke and rabblerouse. The night was light and freespirited and everyone was giddy with just being together and being as kinky as we wanted to be. Sometimes the chemistry in the dungeon hits just right and everyone joins in on everyone elses scenes….tis like a little kinky family most of the time. We have our differences and scraps and in the end we get along and enjoy our world together.

Later i found S in a girl pile in the quiet room and asked permission to get my back worked on by M. She agreed but insisted my ass be left out of it. i swore i would let him know. M put me up on the web and worked my legs and back but i couldnt take a whole lot anymore…i was pretty well done from earlier, but i play with M anytime im with him because he knows exactly how to work me. As a single girl, there is nothing finer than waiting for the scene to start knowing full well that you dont need to stay on point because your Dom knows you and knows where to take you so to speak. i closed my eyes and let him drive me right into space. He came up to me several times to rub my back and to bite my shoulders and of course growl at me in that domly way of his.

He stopped long enough to turn me so i was facing him and back up my wrists went into the web. He started to crop my breasts and i couldnt keep my head far enough away, i was terrified that my hair would get stuck in the chain web and i couldnt relax. “I know how to distract you,” he said and applied the leather choker to my neck and to the web and i was effectively stuck. i pulled gently against it and the gentle even pressure against my airway was just too much to take. He was right…barely noticed my breasts at all as i was experimenting with the pressure.

“BAYYYBEEE!!” i cried out when i saw a friend of mine come out from her own scene. “Come here and be my stunt ass for a while!” K came up and put herself in front of me and held onto the web and M started in on her with the PVC flogger and the dragons tongue…she was moaning and we were kissing and i was gently choking myself…at one point i was pressing against her so hard she ended up getting hit harder…she yelped but i wasnt listening…i was choking and slowly but surely losing all sense of time and space….mmmm. i snapped to when she roughly shoved me back into the web and kissed me again. “Pay attention” she snapped and i just smiled and pressed her ass back out to M’s singletail…hehe…

K finally had enough and M said it was time to wrap it up….but his sub J said…oh no… you should finish her. i glared up but everyone laughed. We all know i wont stop til forced to unless something has gone awry. J continued to plague me with phrases like..give her the finisher….give her the closer…

M unchained me and put me over a straight chair and my crying this time was for real…for some reason i just couldnt handle the idea of one more hard hit that i knew was coming….i just couldnt settle. S heard me crying and begging and came up in front of me and took my hands….”Hes just going to finish you off and then well go”….i calmed immediatly and

WHAP…..my favorite thuddy flogger came across my ass just to remind me who was the boss around here…..it was wonderful.

We were cleaning the area and collecting our things and all decided to hit the diner….which brings me to the sight in my rearview…all my new friends following me up the road headlights warming my back and friendship wrapped all around my battered body.

Ooops theres the exit…time for coffee and pancakes. Wonder if there is a table for 11?……

 

young turks

i looked in my rear view and saw that everyone was behind me safely on the highway. The entire crew was following me to the diner. It was 2 am. We all found ourselves at the dungeon on the same nite and it had become a veritable pile of pain very quickly.

J promised to beat me and wear her chainmail bikini to do it. M said hed find a way to make me cry and i dared him to make me safeword. K came to see me after months of doing his own thing and i could tell he wanted me.

Submissive Forum was at 8 so i got there a bit early to visit while yoga class was finishing up. M was there and we caught up on some gossip and smoked. Greeting everyone coming in was fun. The weather has been hot and humid, but the evening was warm and dry. Its finally summer and being outside was nice.

After sub forum, J and i got dressed and hung out for a while at the door visiting. K came in and we caught up on news and such. B came in to sit and somehow i ended up rubbing her newly shaved head…eventually i had her on her stomach on the couch and abused her alabaster skin for a good long time. i was using ice cubes, but wanted to switch to the paddles that M had brought me when he saw me start in on her. M and K stayed to watch the girls play a bit.

i took the cube i was currently running up her neck and into where her hair used to be and placed it gently between her ass cheeks, i told her to hold that for me and she agreed. i took up the paddle and rubbed it gently between her shoulderblades and down her spine until i reached her ass once more. i checked in with M, who mimed how to do it and whap…i paddled my very first girl. It was unnerving for me. i watched her skin pink up and smacked her a couple more times symetrically and fairly spreading the sting from one end of her end to the other. She was moaning and i resisted the urge to comfort her but i did rub the paingate and she relaxed. i decided to try the tawse but i never got up off my knees as she lay writhing around on the couch so i was relatively gentle. As time went on i became more and more confident and used a rubber flogger and another paddle before switching briefly to my hands to see what it felt like to spank someone in a serious way. i dont think i ever spanked Denise when we were together. i do recall that she spanked me exactly one time every time we had sex and looking back on it i dont know how i got thru without any pain at all.

im falling asleep at the keyboard…ill finish topping B in the am and post it before work.

to be continued.

Come, already…..

The phone rang as he was just starting to fist me fully. The air was knocked out of me and the entire scene at the same time. It rang twice and she was torn as to what to do. JB was quiet and so was i.

She got dressed and was in the process of leaving the room to return the call, when she retraced her steps and reached in the closet to find a small striped gift bag. The incongruity of the gift was beset by the sadness of her eyes as she handed it to me and turned away to leave in the same breath. i stood there holding the bag and watching the door shut and listening to JB repeat….”he fucked us again….god….i cant believe that….well never get her back now….” i looked down and inside the tiny bag was my very first toy….she had made me a tiny rope flogger of white and pink and i was grinning and holding it up for JB…

“She actually IS the Martha Stewart of BDSM….” i smiled as i felt it and showed it off proudly to him.

As JB and i dressed and straightened up a bit…i was just smiling and trying to decide what to do with the rest of my day and lc returned. A brief discussion took place and then he began to fuck her. i was somehow not at all excluded….i was so out of the mood that i was just cleaning the toys and enjoying the show. i heard him check in with her and somehow i ended up on all fours on the futon. i just called lc for a reminder and she said….

“i think he just asked me if i was ok with it and then said…ya want some….and then you just dropped everything and ran over”…..

Now….as stated earlier, i defer to her timeline of events….let them sort THAT one out later….while im safely tucked away over here….hehe. i personally want to go on record and say that the following is how this girl remembers it happening….

JB stood and turned to me as i was feverishly cleaning the paddle he had used. i felt eyes on me and turned in case there was some way i could be of service to M’Lord. His eyes met mine and his strong tanned muscled arm outstretched to me…he beckoned me with his fingers…his hand…the one that moments before had given me so much pleasure. With bated breath i came to him. He pressed me to the bed and overwhelmed me with soft kisses and caresses.

Wait…i was ass in the air on the futon….lemme think for a while.

i was glad to finish things off in a better way than previously thought. i came a few times while he fucked me. i remember his hands in my hair and on my shoulders and i remember he fucked me hard and fast near the end. i was about to come earlier and the phone interrupted so i was grateful to get all that out. And i was amused to think that fucking after fisting could be worth writing home about…but somehow it was.

We are not poets. JB is not a thug or anything, but out of scene we are kind of peas in a pod, he and i, humor wise. It may not be romantic but lots of things that are hot to do are not Harlequin material. If he says “get to it” to lc…she gets wet and gets to it. If he beckons and says, :get over here so i can fuck you”… i gets to goin’.

On our way out the door as i clutched my funny little gift bag…i made sure he heard me giggle to lc about how big he is…and i knew that this would both please and tickle him. Once we were all outside and moving, we were back on familiar ground and everything was exactly the same emotionally for me. There was going to be things for lc to process. But for now we were on our way to find some lunch. JB was off to work and all was well in our worlds.

She drove and we went to a neighborhood haunt of her choosing and we talked about the session and other things like the friends that we are. It was comfortable and good. i was relieved to note that she seemed comfortable with me and that the earlier emotions were not going to interfere with our relationship. i again thanked her for the flogger and joked with her about the gift and how it was presented….but honestly…one of the snapshots in my mind of that day was the look in her eyes as she handed it to me and hurried out the door. lc is beautiful inside and out and im pleased to be her friend. JB, on the other hand will be the death of me yet.

Come again

i apologise for not getting this entry complete in a timely manner. i have no excuse and i am humbly begging forgiveness for my tardiness and thoughtless behavior.

i wasnt directed to do that…i just like to beg.

i remember her on the cross and i remember her on the pony. i remember taking pictures of them together. lc pretty much covered what happened and when. i want to talk about what happened on my end of the whip.

JB is very fit. He is taller than i and somewhere between the outside door and the base of the stairs up to the room…he became very dominant physically. i remember feeling his eyes on my back as i walked and stood in such ways as not to be able to easily look directly at him. i knew that if he crossed my line of sight i would look at him and he was waiting for me to fuck up so he could beat me.

When he slid his hand into my hair and pulled….i have to say, it was such a handful and there was such power behind it i was taken aback by it. i dont want to seem slutty here (and only here) but i have had my hair pulled a time or two before this day. JB can pull some hair. He took my breath away several times that day. He is really very creative and supremely sadistic. i was supposed to wear the slutty black mascara that runs hard when you cry…but im so used to not wearing makeup to play that i forgot it. i know he gets off from desparately frightened and pained crying. And i wanted to give him what he wanted. i have to find that stuff….fairly sure the tube is pink and green.

When i broke protocol downstairs and he took me by the head and slapped me…hard…i really did swoon. When he was pleased i was grateful and when he was maniacal i was wet. He can use his toys and hands and voice. He can kick your feet apart or gently stoke your skin where you sting. He can laugh with you or at you and all you know is the next sound youre going to hear is that specifically shivery whish-whish of the quirt, the sharp crack against skin and your indrawn breath. You just dont know with him what is happening now let alone next. There is no anticpating needs with him. You dont need to anyway. When he requires you give….that is just the way it is.

So when he stood in front of me and wanted to be in my mouth, i had no thought but to give. i never even thought of lc. To me this was no different than accepting the whip on my body. i was enthusiatically showing him what i could do to please him and that is when i first heard her whimper. Instantly it felt wrong to take him inside me when clearly this was not what lc wanted. i honestly dont know if i quit first or not but we both focused on her at the same time. He had her hair in his hand and he was talking to her in that low soft voice a good horsetrainer has. i waited until he released her to come and kiss the top of her head and say over and over again, “thats not what i want…thats not why im here.”

i watched her at times on the cross and thought how brave that she stands and presents….breathing thru painful strikes. i helped him with the vice and touched her hair and skin and yet her focus was nowhere near me. She knew my whereabouts the entire time. She was unable to give me any focused attention at all. She accepted my touches because they were brief and not demanding. She was doing all of this for him and i was the mechanism for her to do it. Maybe in the future the focus will shift, but if not, that will just be the way things are.

Its been weeks now and i really miss them somehow. We talk every day and i love that, but this summer is going to blow. The kids are out of school and i have travelling to do….sigh. If only life would not interfere with my plans.

To be continued….hand to God ill finish this blog.