i was going to address the definition of toy as it pertains to me and the couple in question. i have been a toy before and enjoyed it for what it was…and moved on again. i typed and typed and deleted and deleted…and changed my focus about one hundred times. i addressed Webster’s definition, Wiki’s definition, general BDSM references’ definitions. i explored the complexity of objectification and the spark of interest in being the center of attention while still being unaddressed, unheard. Relevant but not…There but not. Used and then put aside without comment for the next time. Cared for, cleaned, maintained; but not for my sake, for someone else’s.

i thought about past experiences-good and bad…what went wrong/right/sideways. i thought about my sexual development over the last few months and how it differs from my lesbian days and even how it differs from my formative vanilla years. i reviewed past lovers and loves and partners and mistakes….and i came to some fabulously insightful conclusions…enlightened ones, in fact.

i reviewed archives of conversations ive had online with lots of folks…including JB and lc. i emailed friends and demanded definitions and perceptions…all of which were less than gratifying. After all, its my term to define, now isnt it?

Why cant i write this stupid blog…what is stopping me from waxing on about the trials and tribulations of being a toy in todays society? Why are the words not pouring from my fingertips and into this box?

i am not a toy.

(but im still super fun to play with….)

i suppose before i go trotting off into my little rants about my life i should mention that i am in the midst of a new challenge at the moment.

i met a D/s couple through the internet…and we are seriously considering playing together at some point in the future. Ordinarily i would not need to start a blog over a 3way…but this is not your run of  the mill 3way and these people are not ones that i would easily dismiss from my life…whatever the level of involvement. In other words, even if we never played, i would want to remain in contact with them.

We have all had our share of 3ways…and if not then it should be your priority to get going and get you some. But a simple sexual experience is not what this would be….no need to drag out planning a typical 3way…no real need to discuss anything other than where and when…. A scene involving BDSM requires so much conversation, negociation. It is not something that a person in my position takes lightly. After all, its my ass. And in the case of couples…its my feelings as well. i have to protect myself no matter who im with despite my underlying need to be protected by someone else.

So my challenge has shifted from getting to know this couple, to how to make sure that i am safe…not so much physically, but emotionally. i am able to compartmentalize sex from love. i do not become suddenly upset or inordinantly possessive. i have been with couples in the past…once to be used by the female slave and once to be used by the Master. Both of these were regularly scheduled events. Both had good and bad points. Both involved the sub getting upset and jealous and attentionseeking. And when it was all said and done, i was the one left out in the cold. So really the challenge has now become to stop recalling the quote about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…

My initial impression is that this couple is stable and goal oriented in regards to the subs training. That there is a legitimate place for another sub in some of the scenes that i have been privvy to. i think that they are both creative and caring toward eachother and toward me. i think that it could be alot of fun to play and i think that i have a lot to learn from these two.

So only time will tell….

ms. p

i dont punctuate properly and i dont capitalize everything that i need to. i was an english and creative writing major in college….but that was a lifetime ago. im going for the e.e. cummings look…only without the talent.

i dont usually have the dedication to journal and i have several very nicely bound books that start out with even entries….regularly written…that just fall away to blank pages….then i use the pages for phone messages and grocery lists. This might work. im on the computer all the time. This could be good.

Most of my posts will be sexual in nature because sexual exploration is my newest hobby…ill let you know when it loses its charm and i move on to knitting or something.