okay…spewing was prolly wrong. And it didnt help. i was still crying and feeling abused. i called Michael and told him the tale of woe and he agreed that i had been horribly treated and so now it was time to put my big girl panties on and take care of myself. He was right.

i texted K and said…not for nuthin, but i am a slut. i have fucked a loooot of people. i regret none of them aside from the guy that i blew when i was 15 and stuck at a party at 2 am and he said he would drive me home if i blew him…so i did.  That was a low point in the self esteem department.

i regret being with you two. Congratulations on being the first people to make me feel at 39 that suddenly im 15 and have a face full of some guys come. Way to go K.

He called me before i could stop touching the send button on my phone.

i cant quote the conversation, it was long and only interesting to me anyway. He told me he fought with her all that day…Sunday and that he reread what he had IMd me and that it was not accurate and that yes, c hated me but that was on her and that he would remain my friend despite her strong objections and that she has some issues that make her a cold heartless feelingless….ok…he didnt say that. But im not quoting him.Point being that we can all be in the same place at the same time and i dont need to feel uncomfortable…and i told him…i dont feel uncomfortable. i feel as though c is a bitch and that is totally her problem.

He did say some things that mattered. He said that i was the ideal toy and that anyone would be lucky to own me and that i did nothing wrong in our time together and that this is c’s issue. That we are friends at the core and that we always would be. i believe him and i know full well that he has let this issue go with c for internal reasons that have everything to do with the dynamic that they have running and that this affects me not in the least. i told him that i would not be avoiding the demos and the dungeon….this is my life now and whether i run into c really means squat to me. i dont suffer fools or mean people so i wont be small talking with her but i would sooner go home than to see K and not come for my accustomed hug. Friends hug. Friends talk about the weather and eat snacks…and we are friends. i did mention that its a shame he lost out on all my new anal sex tricks…and he agreed. As he should have. But i have closure to this ugly tiny chapter of my week. c sucks and K is still someone to say hi to and hug at the dungeon. i know he watches me play.

Here is what i think on this matter and then it is closed forever.

The world is full of emotional cripples. i had things happen to me as a child. i had things happen to me as an adult. Obstacles to overcome. Hinderances to delay me that i had to negociate. i have had pain and i have had intense joy. i feel no guilt for what i have done and what has been done to me.  i cleaned up the psychological mess my father created inside me years ago. i lived through the worst breakup of my short life. i have come out on the other side. Not everyone is strong enough to be accountable for their own shit. i am one of the lucky ones.

i own myself…the good and the bad and the ugly. i am all mine. And really at the end of the day, who cant be happy with that??