okay…spewing was prolly wrong. And it didnt help. i was still crying and feeling abused. i called Michael and told him the tale of woe and he agreed that i had been horribly treated and so now it was time to put my big girl panties on and take care of myself. He was right.

i texted K and said…not for nuthin, but i am a slut. i have fucked a loooot of people. i regret none of them aside from the guy that i blew when i was 15 and stuck at a party at 2 am and he said he would drive me home if i blew him…so i did.  That was a low point in the self esteem department.

i regret being with you two. Congratulations on being the first people to make me feel at 39 that suddenly im 15 and have a face full of some guys come. Way to go K.

He called me before i could stop touching the send button on my phone.

i cant quote the conversation, it was long and only interesting to me anyway. He told me he fought with her all that day…Sunday and that he reread what he had IMd me and that it was not accurate and that yes, c hated me but that was on her and that he would remain my friend despite her strong objections and that she has some issues that make her a cold heartless feelingless….ok…he didnt say that. But im not quoting him.Point being that we can all be in the same place at the same time and i dont need to feel uncomfortable…and i told him…i dont feel uncomfortable. i feel as though c is a bitch and that is totally her problem.

He did say some things that mattered. He said that i was the ideal toy and that anyone would be lucky to own me and that i did nothing wrong in our time together and that this is c’s issue. That we are friends at the core and that we always would be. i believe him and i know full well that he has let this issue go with c for internal reasons that have everything to do with the dynamic that they have running and that this affects me not in the least. i told him that i would not be avoiding the demos and the dungeon….this is my life now and whether i run into c really means squat to me. i dont suffer fools or mean people so i wont be small talking with her but i would sooner go home than to see K and not come for my accustomed hug. Friends hug. Friends talk about the weather and eat snacks…and we are friends. i did mention that its a shame he lost out on all my new anal sex tricks…and he agreed. As he should have. But i have closure to this ugly tiny chapter of my week. c sucks and K is still someone to say hi to and hug at the dungeon. i know he watches me play.

Here is what i think on this matter and then it is closed forever.

The world is full of emotional cripples. i had things happen to me as a child. i had things happen to me as an adult. Obstacles to overcome. Hinderances to delay me that i had to negociate. i have had pain and i have had intense joy. i feel no guilt for what i have done and what has been done to me.  i cleaned up the psychological mess my father created inside me years ago. i lived through the worst breakup of my short life. i have come out on the other side. Not everyone is strong enough to be accountable for their own shit. i am one of the lucky ones.

i own myself…the good and the bad and the ugly. i am all mine. And really at the end of the day, who cant be happy with that??

Ever been slapped in the face emotionally? i seem to be collecting emotional slaps to the cheek and jawline left and right these days….and its all been from submissive women. Oh wait…not a submissive woman…no…they are sweet and innocent and incapable of being cruel or inhumane…they are angelic creatures who barely bring themselves to submit to savage anal rape or drinking Master’s piss directly from the source…after all, they are only doing as they were trained. None of these thoughts sprung into their heads on their own…no…not the submissive woman.

Lets talk about this past Sunday for a moment…but to do that i must backtrack to Saturday when i contacted the Dom of one of my couples friends online to catch up…i IMd him and asked him a question, and he came back with a hurried….i gotta run, c’s cat, who is 19 yrs old, is dying …i need to go. i of course, worried but knew that at least he was rushing off to be at her side. i have continued to think of them as friends…despite the fact that neither of them knows how to treat a toy and i long since got over the fact that they were both incredibly immature in regards to my treatment when we were all playing …after all….not everyone wants a third. Bearing in mind the fact that we had all…whats the term im looking for…FUCKED…i assumed that when we saw eachother on Sunday at a community event, that we were still on speaking terms.

Great demo on piercing, which i have recently started playing with. i was there with my Dom/friend, Michael and we had just done some piercing that morning. i was still quite sore and once we started the demo i was flying again…it was very informative and by the way…chock full of lesbians. i verbally sparred with K, the Master in question here…we had always had a kind of fun laid back relationship and especially once we stopped playing and i finished pouting over being used for sex and then rudely discarded…aside from the fact that he doesnt own a slave so much as he Tops a closet Domme…but far beit from me to be catty…oops pardon the pun.

So i see c there and i came to talk to her. She was sitting on a bench and i knelt in front of her to talk quietly. i just wanted to make some eye contact and gently send her my condolensces and then go back to the day we were all having. She seemed busy and left the immediate area almost as soon as i came up on her, and i thought that was odd but again…i understood. This was her cat. It had been her cat every day for 19 years and less than 24 hours ago she had to put it to sleep. i simply wanted to let her know that i understand that kind of loss and that one friend to another i was sorry that she was going through it. She probably didnt want to cry in front of everyone. i wouldnt even have to talk to her about it at the demo except she ignored the text i sent her when K told me that Koko had actually been put down.

God im daft…why didnt i see that she was pissed?

So today i get home from work and im online and there he is…so i IM him and we are talking and i said…hey i noticed c didnt really want to talk to me at the demo and i understood…”she probably didnt want to cry in front of anyone….let her know that im here if she wants to talk.”

K says..”yah, well she was pissed that I told you about the cat.”

“What??”

“Well, she is proud..she doesnt like anyone to see her in a moment of weakness and ya know we havent known you all that long so it was kinda personal. I shouldnt have told you.”

i was quiet a second and then the hand print showed up on my left cheek…she emotionally bitchslapped me via K and i could feel the imprint of each finger on my cheek.

“Well, let your slave know that im sorry if i tried to reach out, one human being to another in a time of loss and sadness. Thank you for this bit of information. It saves me some time and embarrassment in public when i try to speak to her….try to chat at the dungeon…attempt to sincerely be her friend…or even a friendly acquaintance. i forgot that since i have literally ripped my frenulum making her come so many times that she had to shove me out of her wet cunt and roll up in the fetal position and whimper, that really i should just shut up and go lay down by my dish….oops, im chock full of pet references today.”

(Did i mention that the first time i went down on her she faked an orgasm. i just paused long enough after all the fake moans subsided to look at her over her hairless mound and raise an eyebrow at her without K seeing it, continued to lick her clit until she actually came and when she did…she grinned at me and winked.)

i finished my little rant and told him i would be civil because its a small world, so K wouldnt worry that we cant be friends…and then went invisible but not before he added..

“You werent being a fool…you were doing the right thing….i was shocked too. i guess she is just proud.”

i restrained myself from responding to the last statement and now as the red hot fingers of her right hand fade from my left cheek and i type this all out…im thinking what in the fuck is wrong with me…why do i continue to think that women can be friends with me?? Or that i can have an honest friendship with one where she doesnt eventually just fucking rip my heart out and stomp it in the dirt?

i met Denise when i was 25. i had been with a few girls and knew that i was definitely a lesbian and that i definitely wanted to date the girl of my dreams and have a successful relationship. i had, in my quest for aforementioned relationship, i had come to the conclusion that perhaps all lesbians were crazy to a certain extent…like damaged somehow…because i had dated some girls and they were crazy. So imagine my surprise when i met and fell in love with a perfectly sane and well adjusted dyke who was out to her family and the world and was a social worker and a democrat and actually good in bed and had no victimized sexual hang ups and we were in the same place at the same time emotionally and blahblahblah…imagine my good fortune.

2 months later we were living togther and 3 years later we were getting married. 2 years after that we were having a baby. 19 months later i was standing in the living room at 130 am holding a 10 month old baby, watching the taillights of my truck flash red through the rainstreaked window as she drove off to her new girlfriends house after telling me that she never meant to hurt me but that she just couldnt do “it” anymore.

Sorry, i sorta lost control of yet another post. The other bad treatment can wait for another day when i give a rats ass.

Whew…good thing im not bitter or anything.