i apologise for not getting this entry complete in a timely manner. i have no excuse and i am humbly begging forgiveness for my tardiness and thoughtless behavior.

i wasnt directed to do that…i just like to beg.

i remember her on the cross and i remember her on the pony. i remember taking pictures of them together. lc pretty much covered what happened and when. i want to talk about what happened on my end of the whip.

JB is very fit. He is taller than i and somewhere between the outside door and the base of the stairs up to the room…he became very dominant physically. i remember feeling his eyes on my back as i walked and stood in such ways as not to be able to easily look directly at him. i knew that if he crossed my line of sight i would look at him and he was waiting for me to fuck up so he could beat me.

When he slid his hand into my hair and pulled….i have to say, it was such a handful and there was such power behind it i was taken aback by it. i dont want to seem slutty here (and only here) but i have had my hair pulled a time or two before this day. JB can pull some hair. He took my breath away several times that day. He is really very creative and supremely sadistic. i was supposed to wear the slutty black mascara that runs hard when you cry…but im so used to not wearing makeup to play that i forgot it. i know he gets off from desparately frightened and pained crying. And i wanted to give him what he wanted. i have to find that stuff….fairly sure the tube is pink and green.

When i broke protocol downstairs and he took me by the head and slapped me…hard…i really did swoon. When he was pleased i was grateful and when he was maniacal i was wet. He can use his toys and hands and voice. He can kick your feet apart or gently stoke your skin where you sting. He can laugh with you or at you and all you know is the next sound youre going to hear is that specifically shivery whish-whish of the quirt, the sharp crack against skin and your indrawn breath. You just dont know with him what is happening now let alone next. There is no anticpating needs with him. You dont need to anyway. When he requires you give….that is just the way it is.

So when he stood in front of me and wanted to be in my mouth, i had no thought but to give. i never even thought of lc. To me this was no different than accepting the whip on my body. i was enthusiatically showing him what i could do to please him and that is when i first heard her whimper. Instantly it felt wrong to take him inside me when clearly this was not what lc wanted. i honestly dont know if i quit first or not but we both focused on her at the same time. He had her hair in his hand and he was talking to her in that low soft voice a good horsetrainer has. i waited until he released her to come and kiss the top of her head and say over and over again, “thats not what i want…thats not why im here.”

i watched her at times on the cross and thought how brave that she stands and presents….breathing thru painful strikes. i helped him with the vice and touched her hair and skin and yet her focus was nowhere near me. She knew my whereabouts the entire time. She was unable to give me any focused attention at all. She accepted my touches because they were brief and not demanding. She was doing all of this for him and i was the mechanism for her to do it. Maybe in the future the focus will shift, but if not, that will just be the way things are.

Its been weeks now and i really miss them somehow. We talk every day and i love that, but this summer is going to blow. The kids are out of school and i have travelling to do….sigh. If only life would not interfere with my plans.

To be continued….hand to God ill finish this blog.