i have been awake since 4 am and waiting for it to be time to go. im not feeling like a teenage girl. im not breathless or jittery or flighty at all. im deliberate and quiet inside.

i chatted with JB this am briefly as if today were any other day. If im up when hes on we talk. He noticed that i was quiet and wondered if i was ok. He mentioned how pliant i was…..hehe.

Now im ready. im just waiting and watching the clock. i have a long drive on an interstate famous for bumper to bumper idiots…plenty of opportunities to fall out of the space im in now. Plenty of chances for the peace and certainty to escape me. This is a time to prove that submission is not for the weak.

im starting to question my choice in clothing but its hot here and it will be hotter in 2hours. i like my little outfit but its more of an evening thing. i also dont know how to process how people look at me when i wear it. i never feel out of place at the playspace here. Even filled with strangers and when im made to wear nothing but my clover clamps, i dont feel odd at all. Put me in a skirt and suddenly im naked.

In this lifestyle, my wardrobe built over the course of my adult life is suspect to say the least. Insufficient and inappropriate to my role. Only when im not wearing anything does it feel less like a role to play as simply what i am. lc seems at home in her clothes. Very soccermom….very…republican. Not that she is in any way conservative inside. im a flannel and Docs kind of girl…or i was. So anything that shows my body in a feminine way is hard for me. Its all a part of my new world and all im learning to do and be.

i was playing alot this weekend, keeping in mind that JB doesnt want me marked. i have a small mark on my ass but i think i did a good job of keeping his wishes foremost in my mind. It was really the first time in my short life that i actually deferred to what someone wanted and finding that i didnt necessarily enjoy it.

i want JB to have all he wants. But at 1230 in the morning when a girl is suspended with 2 other subs and there are singletails about…im just sayin…it was not the easiest nite. i admit i begged. Luckily, my friends were there to remind me that this may be what i want now…but its not what i truly desire. Ok…they also have fun watching me beg and witholding it. All my best friends are sadists. i have a blessed life.

Well…its time to go. ill pick up my bag, turn off the lights and lock the door. When i come home today, no matter what happens, i will be a different girl. i cant wait to meet her.