The phone rang as he was just starting to fist me fully. The air was knocked out of me and the entire scene at the same time. It rang twice and she was torn as to what to do. JB was quiet and so was i.

She got dressed and was in the process of leaving the room to return the call, when she retraced her steps and reached in the closet to find a small striped gift bag. The incongruity of the gift was beset by the sadness of her eyes as she handed it to me and turned away to leave in the same breath. i stood there holding the bag and watching the door shut and listening to JB repeat….”he fucked us again….god….i cant believe that….well never get her back now….” i looked down and inside the tiny bag was my very first toy….she had made me a tiny rope flogger of white and pink and i was grinning and holding it up for JB…

“She actually IS the Martha Stewart of BDSM….” i smiled as i felt it and showed it off proudly to him.

As JB and i dressed and straightened up a bit…i was just smiling and trying to decide what to do with the rest of my day and lc returned. A brief discussion took place and then he began to fuck her. i was somehow not at all excluded….i was so out of the mood that i was just cleaning the toys and enjoying the show. i heard him check in with her and somehow i ended up on all fours on the futon. i just called lc for a reminder and she said….

“i think he just asked me if i was ok with it and then said…ya want some….and then you just dropped everything and ran over”…..

Now….as stated earlier, i defer to her timeline of events….let them sort THAT one out later….while im safely tucked away over here….hehe. i personally want to go on record and say that the following is how this girl remembers it happening….

JB stood and turned to me as i was feverishly cleaning the paddle he had used. i felt eyes on me and turned in case there was some way i could be of service to M’Lord. His eyes met mine and his strong tanned muscled arm outstretched to me…he beckoned me with his fingers…his hand…the one that moments before had given me so much pleasure. With bated breath i came to him. He pressed me to the bed and overwhelmed me with soft kisses and caresses.

Wait…i was ass in the air on the futon….lemme think for a while.

i was glad to finish things off in a better way than previously thought. i came a few times while he fucked me. i remember his hands in my hair and on my shoulders and i remember he fucked me hard and fast near the end. i was about to come earlier and the phone interrupted so i was grateful to get all that out. And i was amused to think that fucking after fisting could be worth writing home about…but somehow it was.

We are not poets. JB is not a thug or anything, but out of scene we are kind of peas in a pod, he and i, humor wise. It may not be romantic but lots of things that are hot to do are not Harlequin material. If he says “get to it” to lc…she gets wet and gets to it. If he beckons and says, :get over here so i can fuck you”… i gets to goin’.

On our way out the door as i clutched my funny little gift bag…i made sure he heard me giggle to lc about how big he is…and i knew that this would both please and tickle him. Once we were all outside and moving, we were back on familiar ground and everything was exactly the same emotionally for me. There was going to be things for lc to process. But for now we were on our way to find some lunch. JB was off to work and all was well in our worlds.

She drove and we went to a neighborhood haunt of her choosing and we talked about the session and other things like the friends that we are. It was comfortable and good. i was relieved to note that she seemed comfortable with me and that the earlier emotions were not going to interfere with our relationship. i again thanked her for the flogger and joked with her about the gift and how it was presented….but honestly…one of the snapshots in my mind of that day was the look in her eyes as she handed it to me and hurried out the door. lc is beautiful inside and out and im pleased to be her friend. JB, on the other hand will be the death of me yet.

i apologise for not getting this entry complete in a timely manner. i have no excuse and i am humbly begging forgiveness for my tardiness and thoughtless behavior.

i wasnt directed to do that…i just like to beg.

i remember her on the cross and i remember her on the pony. i remember taking pictures of them together. lc pretty much covered what happened and when. i want to talk about what happened on my end of the whip.

JB is very fit. He is taller than i and somewhere between the outside door and the base of the stairs up to the room…he became very dominant physically. i remember feeling his eyes on my back as i walked and stood in such ways as not to be able to easily look directly at him. i knew that if he crossed my line of sight i would look at him and he was waiting for me to fuck up so he could beat me.

When he slid his hand into my hair and pulled….i have to say, it was such a handful and there was such power behind it i was taken aback by it. i dont want to seem slutty here (and only here) but i have had my hair pulled a time or two before this day. JB can pull some hair. He took my breath away several times that day. He is really very creative and supremely sadistic. i was supposed to wear the slutty black mascara that runs hard when you cry…but im so used to not wearing makeup to play that i forgot it. i know he gets off from desparately frightened and pained crying. And i wanted to give him what he wanted. i have to find that stuff….fairly sure the tube is pink and green.

When i broke protocol downstairs and he took me by the head and slapped me…hard…i really did swoon. When he was pleased i was grateful and when he was maniacal i was wet. He can use his toys and hands and voice. He can kick your feet apart or gently stoke your skin where you sting. He can laugh with you or at you and all you know is the next sound youre going to hear is that specifically shivery whish-whish of the quirt, the sharp crack against skin and your indrawn breath. You just dont know with him what is happening now let alone next. There is no anticpating needs with him. You dont need to anyway. When he requires you give….that is just the way it is.

So when he stood in front of me and wanted to be in my mouth, i had no thought but to give. i never even thought of lc. To me this was no different than accepting the whip on my body. i was enthusiatically showing him what i could do to please him and that is when i first heard her whimper. Instantly it felt wrong to take him inside me when clearly this was not what lc wanted. i honestly dont know if i quit first or not but we both focused on her at the same time. He had her hair in his hand and he was talking to her in that low soft voice a good horsetrainer has. i waited until he released her to come and kiss the top of her head and say over and over again, “thats not what i want…thats not why im here.”

i watched her at times on the cross and thought how brave that she stands and presents….breathing thru painful strikes. i helped him with the vice and touched her hair and skin and yet her focus was nowhere near me. She knew my whereabouts the entire time. She was unable to give me any focused attention at all. She accepted my touches because they were brief and not demanding. She was doing all of this for him and i was the mechanism for her to do it. Maybe in the future the focus will shift, but if not, that will just be the way things are.

Its been weeks now and i really miss them somehow. We talk every day and i love that, but this summer is going to blow. The kids are out of school and i have travelling to do….sigh. If only life would not interfere with my plans.

To be continued….hand to God ill finish this blog.

“Come.”

Without looking, i followed.

He motioned me up the stairs. He told me to enter the room and i did so but i didnt look up. If i had i wouldve seen that lc wasnt ready. As it was, he just told me to turn back and go downstairs. i was confused but figured it wasnt me…so i wasnt really scared. It was so hot outside the room. i couldnt breathe. He put me facing the wall. i had my head down and my hands behind my back. i waited, clamly as he paced behind me. i think he noticed that i was not on point because he came up behind me and crept his hand up the back of my neck and took a handful of hair. i can not remember what he said, but he began to slap my face just the way he said he would when we spoke of how much i got off on a good old fashioned bitch slap. By the time he was done berating me and slapping my cheeks into pink perfection and roughly let go of my hair, i was wet and trembling and thanking God Almighty that this was finally happening.

He remained pressed against me and i dont know how it happened but the next thing i knew, i had my hand on his forearm. Realizing immediatly that i had touched without permission, i looked into his eyes and apologised. BAM!! Three strikes in less than 30 seconds. He only had 3 rules….no eye contact, speaking or touching without permission. i broke all 3 rules. The glint in his eye was maniacal and magical. He decided to give me a pass….good thing or the whole scene would have taken place while lc was kneeling in the room. i would like to take this opportunity to blame lc for confusing me and causing the errant touch.

He had enough time to reach up my skirt and praise me for being pantiless and smooth for him as requested. And somehow he knew that it was time to go back up. When we entered the room, lc was kneeling facing the table with the toys on it. i had enough time to see the St. Andrews Cross and the cedar post and the straight chair. There were toys hanging on the wall and then there was the futon.

“Corner.”

i was cornered and JB was working on lc. i could hear him and only just barely hear lc. i was worried. she was so quiet. Soon enough i was only worried about myself. A few weeks ago i missed a call from them and when i called back i left a message that was funny at the time…but entirely wrong now. For the sake of my ass i will not repeat the message here. (email me and ill tell you..hehe). He grabbed my hair and replayed the message off his cell and wondered aloud as he slapped my face if i was sorry now. i was.

i was instructed to strip. He turned his attentions to lc and restrained her to the cross by the wrists and ankles. He came back to me and put the wrist and ankle cuffs on me and applied a posture collar. i had to ask to speak and when given permission i mentioned my mother-child pendant with chagrin…as he had to remove the collar and help me remove the necklace. He began to kvetch about having to put in an AC unit and work so hard to make this a good scene and i couldnt be bothered to have removed a necklace…knowing full well that a collar was going to be involved. i apologised but i knew i would pay for this in a minute. He then applied the ballgag that we had decided i was going to need.

“Come.”

He indicated the straight chair off to the side of the cross where lc hung, head down, legs spread. i sat and placed my hands on my lap and watched him spank her pussy until she came and came and came. He found the spline flogger and began to whip her tits and pussy and legs as she whimpered and cried. The look on JB’s face was so classically sadisticly gleeful that i snorted through my ball gag.

“Were you just laughing at me?”

“uh uh” i muttered desparately through the gag.

“I really think you were laughing at me….what the fuck lc? Do you find any of this amusing?”

“no” said lc….sealing my fate for the second time.

i glared at her downturned head and saw JB grin again.

i tried to explain but i was gagged and the spline flogger was coming right for me.

“Open your legs” he said as he kicked my feet apart. The flogger rained down on my thighs and pussy with no let up in sight. He would not hear my apology and he would not let me breathe through the pain of it. i really nearly stood up out of the chair, which im certain would have been very very very bad. The look on his face as he whipped me was so fucking hot i almost wanted it to continue but i soon lost interest in watching him and squeezed my eyes shut against the pain.

“Shes not so tough is she lc…she said she was a painslut…didnt she say that?” Each word was punctuated with another strike of that flogger. i was begging for him to stop. Pleading for him to take pity on me. But through the gag it was ridiculous. He finally stopped and watched me as i cried and tried to rub my legs together to stop the raging sting. “Shes really not so tough now is she?”…he turned his attention to lc and i felt somehow released.

“lc broke these cuffs. she pulled the rings right off of them…she was standing right where you are now and she snapped them right off. Of course, they wont break now…no matter what.” He was talking quietly as he cuffed me to the post and stepped back to get something with which to hurt me. i wish i could remember what he used and when…but all i remember is pain and orgasms.

i know there were quirts and leather paddles and that i came with each implement. JB alternated between me and lc. The next thing i remember was lc reminding JB that my hands were purple. i straightened up and looked as he took me down and i started to whine a bit….”They are purple and they are coming down.” JB took the gag off me and i immediatly protested. “But they arent cold…and i can feel them.” i argued. JB said something about me being a nurse and yet i was still not going back on the post.

JB pulled out a padded step for me to kneel on and put me over the futon. He worked on me for a bit more and i was just getting ready to call for a breath of air, when the blows stopped. There was some hushed conversation and suddenly, JB announced that lc was crying. i wiped my eyes and opened them to listen without turning around.

“she thinks you are getting it too hard. she thinks you are suffering. What do you have to say, pet?”

“No Sir, im ok. im not hurt.”

“Turn.”

i turned and continued to kneel in front of them both. lc was being made to look at me as JB had a huge handful of her hair and continued to berate her into keeping her eyes open so she could see what she had caused. i dont know if he meant that this whole thing was her idea…which it wasnt. Or that the fact that i was no longer being hit was because of her stopping it.

“shes such a good soul, pet…she is worried that you are being hurt. she wants me to stop hurting you.”

i didnt know what to say. she wouldnt look at me and she wouldnt look at him. her eyes were closed and she was whimpering against his arm as he held her head up. She was really crying and my heart suddenly grew two sizes too big….i plead with her to look at me.

“im not hurt…hes not hurting me, lc. Please stop crying….i want this…im okay….”

JB wanted this experience for her and i wanted her to find the fun in it, but she was really upset and it was all i could do to remain kneeling in front of her. i was eye level to her pussy and all i could think was if i could just get close enough i could show her how okay i was feeling. ive always been better with actions than words… i just knew i could make her understand…hehe. i, of course, didnt move. i knew that taking over at all would just end the whole thing with JB and i also knew from conversation that lc thinks shes not bisexual….i tend to disagree but have no concrete evidence to back that up with….yet.

In all seriousness, JB and i had briefly discussed my concerns about going thru with this. lc was not kidding when she said she didnt particularly feel like she wanted to be with a woman sexually. i never felt like she was just embarrassed to admit it….i felt like she meant it. And i just cant handle rejection like that these days. JB said it was more about other things than forced bisexuality or things like that…but i told him that unless she told me specifically in private what she did or didnt want sexually from me….she was not going to get any kind of advance from me. Even during our conversations the only flirty things discussed had to do only with JB. i love playing with women…but i dont have to play with women either. Its been such a long time since ive been with men that im more focused on that.

He began to finger lc and she was slowly forgetting her concern for me. As she came each time, JB would feed her to me with his fingers and everyone slowly calmed and centered themselves. lc has since told me that she never saw the pain in my face when i was on my knees and she never saw him put his fingers in my mouth. i personally think this was the best part of the day…the part where i was really emotionally involved with these two…JBs concern for his slave and my heartbreak over her angst. Ironic that lc missed it.

To be continued…..

i have been awake since 4 am and waiting for it to be time to go. im not feeling like a teenage girl. im not breathless or jittery or flighty at all. im deliberate and quiet inside.

i chatted with JB this am briefly as if today were any other day. If im up when hes on we talk. He noticed that i was quiet and wondered if i was ok. He mentioned how pliant i was…..hehe.

Now im ready. im just waiting and watching the clock. i have a long drive on an interstate famous for bumper to bumper idiots…plenty of opportunities to fall out of the space im in now. Plenty of chances for the peace and certainty to escape me. This is a time to prove that submission is not for the weak.

im starting to question my choice in clothing but its hot here and it will be hotter in 2hours. i like my little outfit but its more of an evening thing. i also dont know how to process how people look at me when i wear it. i never feel out of place at the playspace here. Even filled with strangers and when im made to wear nothing but my clover clamps, i dont feel odd at all. Put me in a skirt and suddenly im naked.

In this lifestyle, my wardrobe built over the course of my adult life is suspect to say the least. Insufficient and inappropriate to my role. Only when im not wearing anything does it feel less like a role to play as simply what i am. lc seems at home in her clothes. Very soccermom….very…republican. Not that she is in any way conservative inside. im a flannel and Docs kind of girl…or i was. So anything that shows my body in a feminine way is hard for me. Its all a part of my new world and all im learning to do and be.

i was playing alot this weekend, keeping in mind that JB doesnt want me marked. i have a small mark on my ass but i think i did a good job of keeping his wishes foremost in my mind. It was really the first time in my short life that i actually deferred to what someone wanted and finding that i didnt necessarily enjoy it.

i want JB to have all he wants. But at 1230 in the morning when a girl is suspended with 2 other subs and there are singletails about…im just sayin…it was not the easiest nite. i admit i begged. Luckily, my friends were there to remind me that this may be what i want now…but its not what i truly desire. Ok…they also have fun watching me beg and witholding it. All my best friends are sadists. i have a blessed life.

Well…its time to go. ill pick up my bag, turn off the lights and lock the door. When i come home today, no matter what happens, i will be a different girl. i cant wait to meet her.

i was recently made aware that i lost control of my own fricken blog. i was supposed to discuss why i find the idea of human toy so hot. Instead, i apparently channeled NormaRae and the sign above my head read, “Dont break your toys”.

i read a comment from lc’s blog which referred to me indirectly, much like the table that JB feverishly constructed for his beloved’s torture. The indirect reference made me wet. i wondered why. But thinking back on my previous toy experiences made me angry instead.

See thats the beauty of finding JB and lc. i had actually given up on being with a couple. Recreationally i enjoyed the dynamic of a 3way and found that couples are easier to find than 2 other random people to do it with. In dealing with a couple you find 2 people who are hopefully sexually compatible and the only thing i have to figure out is if “my particular brand of sex” is compatible with the other two. But the couples i was ending up with were not as stable as i would prefer, or one or more didnt know how to treat their toys in general let alone a toy as fine as i.

When i started talking to JB and lc, i had my doubts. But after a few brief conversations and then meeting them… after being invited into lc’s home and to a party with her family…after frequent conferences on the computer and more frequent phone calls…i have found that i not only want to be the toy in all of this but that i want to be a friend in all of this.

Human Toy= Hot.

And at the risk of puffing up the already puffed-enough JB…hes right. Doesnt really matter why it makes me wet, but if it did, i would have to agree that its prolly simply because i AM a twisted cunt…

Now whos the lucky one??

i was going to address the definition of toy as it pertains to me and the couple in question. i have been a toy before and enjoyed it for what it was…and moved on again. i typed and typed and deleted and deleted…and changed my focus about one hundred times. i addressed Webster’s definition, Wiki’s definition, general BDSM references’ definitions. i explored the complexity of objectification and the spark of interest in being the center of attention while still being unaddressed, unheard. Relevant but not…There but not. Used and then put aside without comment for the next time. Cared for, cleaned, maintained; but not for my sake, for someone else’s.

i thought about past experiences-good and bad…what went wrong/right/sideways. i thought about my sexual development over the last few months and how it differs from my lesbian days and even how it differs from my formative vanilla years. i reviewed past lovers and loves and partners and mistakes….and i came to some fabulously insightful conclusions…enlightened ones, in fact.

i reviewed archives of conversations ive had online with lots of folks…including JB and lc. i emailed friends and demanded definitions and perceptions…all of which were less than gratifying. After all, its my term to define, now isnt it?

Why cant i write this stupid blog…what is stopping me from waxing on about the trials and tribulations of being a toy in todays society? Why are the words not pouring from my fingertips and into this box?

i am not a toy.

(but im still super fun to play with….)